21. Happy Thanksgiving? Oh, and girls have cooties.

So, for some inexplicable reason, we celebrated Thanksgiving at school today. Not only is it not a Korean holiday, but... well, Canadian Thanksgiving was over a month ago (and all of the English teachers here are Canadian) and American Thanksgiving is next week. Anyway, it didn't go as badly as we had feared (fear based on experience... usually these sorts of special event days are torture), it was much better than the fiasco I heard happened last year which involved such traditional Thanksgiving fare as quail's eggs (??!?!... someone screwed up their research).

This week has been rather... well, incredible. And I mean that in the literal sense… as in, were I not a witness to the events of this week, I would be incredulous as to the veracity of this blog entry. Mr. Lee, my boss, has been attempting to woo those of us whose contracts end in March (ie: all the female English teachers) to sign on for an extra year. I was the first one to go in for a meeting... and I'm not sure if Mr. Lee understands the principle of 'wooing'. The meeting consisted of him talking to me for an hour, I said about 14 words during the entire meeting. And what did he talk about? Well... He spent about 20 minutes trash-talking the one member of the Korean staff that all of us foreign teachers like and respect... seriously, he blamed all of the problems on her, which is blatantly false, and weird because he knows I like her and consider her a friend. It was bizarre. And... and this was where I got really confused. He spent a significant portion of time telling me that I am good teacher, and he knows that what a school needs is good teachers to build their reputation so he wants me to stay. But then there were these C-3P0 like hand movements and an explanation that went like this: "I like men because we are the same. Sex. You know sex? Sex? We are the same sex. Sex. You know sex?"

I was already a little stunned when he went on to wave his arms rather helplessly and say, "Women... I don't know women. I don't understand women. Women... I don't know... Men I know. Women... no. Women are different. Men are the same. I don’t know women. I like men."

That portion of the conversation actually went on a lot longer than that… but it was a lot of repetition. I left the meeting feeling like that was a bit offensive, and I thought he'd caught on to the fact that I had no intention of signing on for another year because at the end he started throwing out numbers to me as he suddenly realized I hadn't even asked for a raise or anything. But he has no idea. In his subsequent meetings with my other female coworkers he has told them that I will be staying, so I need to clear that up I think.

But it goes on. His next meeting was with Anita. In Anita's meeting he expanded on his 'women' issue. Quite a lot. He told her quite clearly that he doesn't like women and that he will never hire another woman. He explained that like his wife, we talk too much and need to be quiet. We need to do what we're told and not complain (I should be clear that we are not the only ones who are unhappy with the situation here, the many unpleasant changes don’t please David any more than they please “the women”... but I think Mr. Lee just hears actual words when David speaks, and not the 'mindless ramblings of a woman' that he hears when we speak.) Anyway, after going on about the problems with women for about 30 minutes, he actually expected her to agree to sign on! He was shocked today when she informed him that she wasn't going to.

Oh, but it gets worse. Then he had a meeting with Suzanne in which he was even more direct. He told her that he hates women, and he hates his wife (which sounds shocking, but weirdly enough, he’s said this to us before, so we are all aware of it). He hates the member of the staff that we all like, all of the problems we have with work can be laid at her feet (SO not true), and we (yet again) need to stop talking and just do what we are told. He also reiterated with her that he would never, ever hire a woman again, and that he in fact, only hired me and Anita to be friends for her. He also told her that she should have faith in him like people have faith in God. (I think she should have responded that God never promised her extra breaks to get her to sign a contract, and then went did the exact opposite of what he promised by taking most of her breaks away!) He also gave her a 15 minute lecture on how she needs to say "Good morning" very loudly to him in the morning... telling her over and over again, in a stern tone that she was 'very rude'.

Again, I feel the need to say that all of these things were actually said during meetings he held to try and get us to extend our contracts! The funny thing is that David actually went and told him in between his meeting with Suzanne and Anita that he needs to stop telling the women how much he hates women... and somehow Mr. Lee interpreted that to mean the he needs to be more clear in telling us about his hatred of women. I’ve lived a lot of places, and I’ve never lived anywhere where I would say that men and women are truly equal… but this sort of thing is just baffling! This is at work! From our boss! While he’s trying to get us to want to stay! It’s like he thinks we need a stern hand and we will be so grateful for his input on how we “need to be quiet” and “not say anything”, just “do what we’re told”. And the thing is, he truly and sincerely does want us to stay. The Hagwan (private academy) business is a very competitive business, and we are all very well liked by the parents, who are the source of the school’s income. The schools that do well are the ones that can maintain a good staff, and Mr. Lee has told me that this year’s staff is pretty much the best he’s ever had as far as quality of work goes, so I don’t really know what his problem is, other than that he doesn’t see us women as real ‘people’.

When I first got here, I went with Mr. Lee and Anita to get some documents sorted out, and in the car on the way Anita and I got into a rather heavy discussion about Canadian politics. It was a rather academic discussion... not something girly and frivolous... and I remember Mr. Lee making some comment about hens and maids... basically saying that 'women talk a lot about nothing'. I dismissed it then as being a byproduct of him not understanding us. But it has become quite clear that he sees us as 'less than', inferior. Even if he had understood every word we had said, it wouldn’t have mattered. It was only the mindless babblings of silly women. No matter that all of us are well liked by our students and the parents of our students. No matter that we all work hard and our students do well. We are nothing more than annoying chatterboxes to him and we will never be. I find it all so bizarre, not to mention frustrating! I know part of this is cultural... while Korea is very technologically advanced, socially they are about 50 years behind North America. But I really want to believe that Mr. Lee is not representative of all Koreans, I want to think that not all Korean men hate women and think that we have no real worth.

Now, I feel I should say that this doesn't mean I hate it here or anything. I'm just tired of being treated like a lesser person, but I do love my kids and want to see them learn and improve... and I will stay to see them graduate. They are all really precious. And if it wasn't for them, I have to say that I would probably leave. I'm not an aggressive person at all, really, I'm ridiculously laid back. My mother would probably say I'm too laid back. I really have no problem doing what I'm told... but I've discovered that I have a real problem not being respected. I'm good at what I do, and I think I have ideas that are worth listening to.

Oh well. It's Mr. Lee's loss I suppose. Or rather, it will be when I, along with Suzanne and Anita, go... all at the same time.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you all that... It's been such a weird week. Happy… um… not Thanksgiving!

20. Pride... the good kind.

Well, life at the Hagwan has gotten rather frustrating of late. Part of it, I think, is the fact that I have been teaching for 10 months straight, and if I was in Canada, or Belize, or other such places, I’d be on holiday right now… a nice 2 month holiday to rest and recuperate. But, well, there’s more to it than that. It sort of feels like our boss is conducting an experiment to see how far he can push us before we snap. Extra classes, ridiculous demands… we also just found out that some of my coworkers were being followed around by the owner of our school for a while to see what they got up to in their off hours. And there’s a possibility (in fact, a high probability) that she was snooping around in some of our apartments. It’s all rather ridiculous. A phrase I’ve found myself using a lot recently to explain my state of mind is “I love my work, don’t like my job so much.”

But I do… love my work I mean. And to demonstrate (and to help lift my own spirits tonight) I thought I’d write a post about a few moments I’ve had recently that have brought me great joy. The first ones are rather minor, but I’ll build up to a grand finale, so don’t worry!

One of the things I’m always so proud to see are things that my kids pick up that I don’t actually teach, they just hear me say all the time. I’ve recently started hearing my kids refer to each other as ‘sweetheart’ or ‘honey’… and I’m really the only way they could have heard those expressions, so that delights me! Plus, they’ve all recently begun to say ‘whoopsi-daisy’ when they make a mistake… which is another Jenny-Teacherism they’ve picked up.

But I’ll move on to some more significant things I’ve seen recently (like in the past week or two). In order for you to understand the significance of these you need to understand my philosophy on ‘tattletaling’… if you’ve done any form of childcare with me, you’ve likely heard it, but for the rest of you I’ll explain. I cringe when I hear a child called a ‘tattletale’, especially by an adult. I think that children should come to us with their problems or concerns, no matter how minor. I know it’s annoying, and I know I’ve had to bite my tongue to stop from snapping at a child when they’ve come to me for the 37th time to tell me that “Sally is using her pen, Teacher!” But I still let them do it. The reasoning behind this is that I’ve just seen it happen a few times where a child is being victimized in some way (either by adults or their peers), but their fear of being perceived as a tattletale is bigger in their mind than the stuff that is happening to them. I don’t think it’s reasonable for us as adults to expect all children to be able to make a distinction between what is worth telling and what is worth ignoring. So I make that distinction for them. They come and they tell me that “Sally is using her pen.” or “Brian is sitting backwards on his chair,” or other such nonsense, and if I think it’s not important I simply say ‘okay’, and the kids seem to be okay with that. I’ve acknowledged what they said, but I don’t really do anything about it unless it’s, well, important to me as the teacher.

Whew, that was a long explanation. But there is a payoff; I promise… well, at least there is to me. As the kids have gotten older and more mature (it’s amazing how you can see their personalities developing… I really do love working with kids), I’ve begun to say things to them like “Don’t be worried about what other people are doing,” when they come to me to ‘tattle’ on each other. And about 2 weeks ago I heard them start to say it to each other! And beyond that, they’ve kind of stopped telling on each other. Mostly. I don’t think that will ever fully go away, but it has been really neat to watch that dynamic change so quickly.

Another version of the ‘tattling’ thing comes in when a kid gets their feelings hurt, sometimes intentionally, sometimes (and from what I see in my class, most of the time) accidentally. The kids will all be playing with each other – verbally sparring as much as they can in their second language as 5 and 6 year olds – you know, “You are married to a crayon!” “No, you are married to a window!” And everyone is laughing, but then they say it to the wrong person and suddenly there are tears and demands that I punish and I don’t want to because they were only playing, but someone is actually hurt so I need to do something… you know, the 5 year old version of “Drama!”. So about 2 months ago I started saying this to them. “She said you were married to a window? Is that true?” To which the child replies, through tears, “No!” And I say, “Well then, they are just being silly.” Silly being a word I use to describe myself to them all the time when I say ridiculous things like how I spent my weekend playing with a dinosaur or whatever, so they know it is a word that can mean ‘funny, but not true.’

Well, imagine my delight today when I overheard this exchange.

Sally: “Jim is married with a chair!”

Jim: “You are just being silly. That is not true.”

I had to restrain myself from jumping out of my seat and pulling him into a bear hug. As it was, I praised him to the skies… and joy of joys, heard a few of my other kids say that to each other today, so I think that one has now stuck.

I’ve saved the best one for last. Of course, none of these may be particularly exciting for you guys, but this one I am so proud of. Brian is one of my original students… and one of the students that when I got him, I really didn’t like. He was whiny and vengeful. And kind of a wuss (for a 5 year old). Any injury, whether real or imagined, and he would scream and whine and demand to be taken to the Korean staff who would envelop him in hugs (rewarding his behavior, or course). It took ages to break him of that. But I have… he’s really developing into a little man and it’s wonderful to see. The vengefulness was another animal altogether. He could hold a grudge for a remarkably long time (for a 5 year old) and lash out rather unexpectedly, with punches, kicks, scratches, bites, or destroying his classmates work. I worked long and hard to get him to tell me when he was angry instead of holding grudges and hurting his classmates long after they’d forgotten what they’d done to him… of course, for a while I had him telling me he was angry while hurting his classmates… or telling me he was angry and then walking over and punching the person he was angry at. That was a frustrating stage. I’ve had so many talks with him about his anger, and how there is never any hitting… especially no hitting girls (I’m not usually such a stickler for the ‘boys don’t hit girls’ at this young age, but wife beating is so prevalent here that I think it’s a good idea to get that into their heads as early as possible). Well, today, he became furious with one of his classmates, I’m still not sure why. He was standing in line and Annie did something that made him mad, so he started yelling at her, but mid yell, realized what he was doing and turned and yelled at me. He was so angry, that his yell was kind of unintelligible; all I caught was “Teacher!!! Annie… me… no!!!” and then he hauled off and punched the wall as hard as he could.

Well, I ran over there and pulled him out of line, and was in the middle of telling him how that behavior was unacceptable when I suddenly realized how far he’d come. He didn’t hold a grudge and start punching Annie half an hour later during phonics time. He didn’t wait until art and destroy her project. He remembered to tell me immediately, and he didn’t hit her… he hit something that couldn’t be hurt. I’m sure it was pretty confusing for him to go from being scolded to being praised, but really, he deserves some credit. That was a big step. Of course, his had was red and sore for the next hour (he hit the wall pretty hard, Annie would have been bleeding), and when he showed it to me I shrugged and said “That’s what happens when you punch the wall,” because as far as he’s come, punching a wall is not the best I want for him. But I’m still proud of him, and proud of myself for helping him get there. I’m more proud of that than of any English I’ve taught, actually. And I think that’s okay.